


Unconventionally Frustrating Occupation

by Townycod13



Category: South Park
Genre: Alien AU, Because I can, M/M, THATS WHY, also imma make him the same kind of alien as bradley lmao, human kite's backstory is that he's an alien, so why the fuck not
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-06-30
Packaged: 2019-05-30 19:14:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15103169
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Townycod13/pseuds/Townycod13
Summary: Kyle's ship keeps malfunctioning. All he wants to do his complete routine missions and move on with his life.





	Unconventionally Frustrating Occupation

_-First Contact-_

_10 Cycles_

_Junior Mission_

“Okay, but for real dude, no anal probes.” the strange earthling gave it a moments thought, “I mean, if it were in a kinky way, sure, but like--straight up clinical shit up my butt? I ain’t old enough to need a prostate exam, bro.”

This wasn’t how this interaction was supposed to go. This was not even remotely how this interaction was supposed to go. All he was supposed to do was kidnap random citizens from a mountain town in the middle of nowhere and collect information. He hadn’t questioned his orders because he’d figured it’d be straight forward.

But two out of three of his targets had escaped through bizarre and incomprehensible ways and the third one was negotiating about _anal probes_ of all things.

Kyle’s nose furrowed in disgust, “Why the fuck would I need to anal probe you?”

The kid shrugged, figure mostly hidden behind a giant orange parka, “I dunno man, I’m not an alien.”

“Yes, but what possible information could I even gather from that?”

“Okay, I thought we established it was a no-go.”

“No, no,” Kyle frowned, “You opened this can of beans. You’re going to explain this to me. Why the _hell_ would you expect anyone to anal probe you?!”

“TV?” The kid offered lamely.

“Why the fuck are there TV shows about anal probes on Earth?!”

Kyle was all but forgetting his mission at this point. The sheer absurdity of the accusation sending him into a full rage spiral.

“Furthermore, according to my data, you shouldn’t be of an age where earthlings can do ‘kinky’ things! And--” Kyle stopped his tirade.

The orange boy was laughing at him.

“What’s so funny?!”

“Dude, you are like, the most uptight alien ever. That is fucking hilarious.” he looked Kyle up and down, “Also, we’re like the same age? Why do _you_ know about kinky things?”

Kyle dropped the kid off promptly in a random cornfield. He’d find some other way of completing his mission.

_-Second Malfunction-_

_12 Cycles_

_Mandatory Retraining_

“So, I’m curious. Does this mean you changed your mind about the probes _or_ …” the boy trailed off, older, still full of snark, still in that stupid orange parka.

“...how the hell did my random sample select _you_ again?” Kyle rubbed his temples, “Look, you can go. Clearly you’re not a valuable source of information.”

Why had he been sent _again_ on this same dumb mission. It was one of those missions that they liked to send new recruits on, get a lay of the land, harass a planet that had no means of fighting back as a practice round for planets that did.

The kid looked somewhat offended, “I’m a perfectly viable source of information,” he winked, “Depends on what you wanna know.”

He might actually hate this kid. He was a little tempted to laser his brains out. He was definitely, not at all, feeling a flush of warmth fill his face.

“Holyshit, are you blushing?!”

“I _hope you like cows_!” Kyle nearly shrieked, sending his kidnap victim into a field he was sure was full of the creatures with a push of a button.

He leaned heavily against the machinery, trying to catch his breath, and ruminate over the brief conversation.

“...’I hope you like cows’...?” he groaned. That moment in time taking its spot as the most embarrassing moment in his life.

Over some stupid human kid in orange that had too much sass… How ridiculous. He was being ridiculous.

He’d never get sent on this stupid mission again and even if he did, there was no way his scanners were going to pick the same stupid brat a _third_ time.

It was fine. No one would ever know or confront him over that particular low-point in his life.

_-Third Conversation-_

_15 Cycles_

_Temporary Probation_

“For your information, I do like cows. They’re pretty chill overall.”

Kyle actually smashed his head over the control board in front of him.

“Just… _how_?”

“I dunno, man, you’re the one that keeps kidnapping me.” the boy gasped, clasping his hands over his chest dramatically, “Are you an intergalactic stalker?!”

Kyle sighed.

“No.” god, it had been years since the last time he saw this damn kid and still he wasn’t prepared for the smarm. At least the dumb parka had been replaced with… more orange. An orange hoodie. Goddamnit. “What is it with you and orange?”

The boy shrugged, “What is it with you and kidnapping me?”

“For your information, the ship is probably broken because it’s _supposed_ to be selecting a random sample of your people and I’ve gotten you repeatedly.”

“Actually, in a true random sample, repeats are totally possible. Unlikely but not impossible.”

Oh god, now the _human_ was correcting him on how his own technology worked? Kyle wanted to die. Just a lot.

His victim plopped onto the metal ground nonchalantly, “So, why exactly do you need a random sample of humans?”

At this point, what could even be the harm in spilling the beans? He sighed, “I’m being punished right now, if you must know. Sent off to waste my time here because I fucked up my last mission.”

“Huh. That’s rough, buddy.”

The kid didn’t sound at all sympathetic. Kyle let out another despairing exhale, “Where do you want me to drop you off?”

“No cows or empty fields this time?”

Spare him from snarky adolescent humans.

He raised his head just to glare, “A volcano can be arranged if you don’t just answer my question.”

For just a moment unease splashed across the humans face and Kyle felt a little bad. He had all the power in this situation and he was threatening murder for no logical reason.

“I wouldn’t actually drop you in a volcano, relax. Just tell me where.”

The boy glanced at a small device that probably told the time, “Huh… could you drop me close to the City Wok in South Park? I might make my shift at this rate.”

About half those words went over Kyle’s head but he brought out an aerial view map of the small town and had the kid point out the coordinates.

“I’m Kenny, by the way.”

Kyle blinked at the extended hand, seconds away from sending the boy back to the earth's surface. Hesitantly he reached out to shake the hand, aware of the human custom. “Kyle.”

Kenny smiled and Kyle smashed the button at the sight.

That smile should be fucking illegal under galactic law.

_-Fourth Emotion-_

_20 Cycles_

_Official Reprimand_

“Well, this is just plain nostalgic.”

Oh no.

Not this again.

Oh no.

He never thought he’d miss the obnoxious orange.

Oh no.

Why were humans all basically kajanoid? Kyle was appalled and offended that these creatures shared the same basic shape and appearance of his species.

It made things confusing.

Especially when ‘Kenny’ had ditched the baggy form concealing orange fashion disaster and grown very well in the years apart.

Very, very, well.

Kyle gulped, “Ha… my ship. Again. What are the chances? Ha…”

Kenny’s brows knit with concern, “You okay, dude? You sound a bit off.”

When questions that one does not desire are thrust onto an individual, there are many directions to take a response. Tons of ways to respond rationally and reasonably to avoid the subject matter.

Kyle’s preferred method was unfortunately defensive anger, “I’m _fine_ , just pissed my ship keeps fucking up and leave me alone. Shit. Okay. Do you want me to drop you the same place?”

“Uh... actually, I moved to Denver. South Park would be a bit of a doozy for me.”

Of course. Because that made any sense. His ship was supposed to select someone from the small mountain town called ‘South Park’ and instead it went miles out of the way to select the same runt for the thir--fourth? Was it the fifth? Time. It was official. His ship was broken.

“Got it. Any chance you have have coordinates for me?”

Kenny shrugged helplessly, “I can put the address on google maps.”

“Whatever that is.” Kyle grumbled, looking into his database for wherever ‘Denver’ was.

He wasn’t expecting Kenny to do a spit-take minus the liquid, “Wait--wait, you mean to tell me, you guys have been studying mankind for what is it now, like over a decade now? And you don’t know what _google_ is?”

Kyle decided he was definitely taking offense to the giggles. He did not find them endearing at all.

“In actuality we don’t give a crap about studying earth, this is more of a punishment waste of time mission.” Kyle corrected, still searching the limited map for ‘Denver’.

“Oh yeah, I think you mentioned that last time... What are you being punished for then?”

Whoops. Kyle shut his eyes as though locking away his sight would ease the regret of his words.

“I don’t want to talk about it. It’s a long story. It’s dumb.” Unable to decide between biting statements, all three bubbled out with hardly a break between.

Kenny, ever laid back in every situation it seemed, literally laid back against the metal floor of his apparently broken ship, “I mean, I got nothing but time dude. And, really, who am I going to tell?”

The human had a point. Kyle bit his lip, “You could hold it against me the next time.” he pointed out.

Kenny raised his head with a wink, “Planning on kidnapping me again? Oh my, how forward. I’m flattered. You really ought to buy me a drink first, though.”

“Oh shit, are you thirsty? I think I have water around here…” His manners kicked in before he could stop himself, he could scream as he trailed off looking into the disbelieving eyes of his victim.

Kenny snorted, “Dude, you’re kind of amazing.”

Of all the responses, Kyle was not expecting that one. No one just _complimented_ you out of nowhere like that. Who _did_ that?

Kenny apparently.

He didn’t care for the warmth that had crept up his cheeks.

“Thanks?” he replied, desperately searching the entirety of a continent called ‘Australia’ for this ‘Denver’ place.

“No problem, kmy dude.” Kenny responded, laying his head back to lok at the ceiling, “So, what’s got you on Earth-harassment duty?”

Kyle had been really hoping he’d forgotten about that.

At this point he was more than desperate to find ‘Denver’ but admitting he needed help after this long was just mortifying. Kyle caved.

“I punched my boss in the face.”

He was met with silence. Kyle dared to glance up from his screen to check the reaction.

The human was shaking,it looked strange, Kyle was worried for a moment that he had contracted some strange human-illness and died.

It was only when the first guffaw cut the air that Kyle learned the truth. He frowned at the ceaselessly giggling mess on his ships floor. He had half a mind to rethink that whole volcano plan from a few years back.

“Oh my _god_ ,” Kenny managed, “ _Of course_ you did. That’s amazing. You, my dude, are freaking amazing.” the laughter continued and some tension left Kyle’s shoulders.

It was strange. There was laughter but it wasn’t _at_ him. Not really.

“Can you--” Kenny snorted again, “--punch my boss too? Do a bro a solid, all bosses deserve a good sock sometimes.”

“I didn’t do it on purpose.” Kyle defended weakly.

That only made Kenny laugh more before finally the writhing mass of stupid human sat back up, wiping away a mirthful tear, “Alright, alright, I’m over it,” a snicker declared that he wasn’t but he pressed on, “What made ya do that?”

“He wanted to send my little brother out on a dangerous mission.” Kyle glared defiantly, daring Kenny to laugh at that, “I told him that wasn’t acceptable. We disagreed strongly before I felt that further punctuation was needed and introduced him to my fist.”

He expected more giggles. He didn’t expect the human to be smiling at him, something distinctly fond in his eyes, “Good on you, dude. You’re a good brother.”

Holyshit.

Kyle swallowed at the validation. Not what he was expecting. Not how he thought this interaction should go.

His computer beeped and finally located ‘Denver’. It was only a few kilometers from South Park. He had the feeling his shitty broken ship had taken this long despite that on purpose. Somehow.

Stupid ship.

“I, uh, found Denver.” Kyle said awkwardly.

“Aww, and I was enjoying your company.” Kenny winked, “You can kidnap me anytime, alien-boy. I might even loosen my no-probe policy.”

...did Kenny not remember his name? It was too late to check though, Kyle jammed the ‘send’ button, realizing too late he could have sent the guy anywhere within the city limits.

He breathed out against the controls, banging his head once or twice.

“Stupid sexy human. Stupid broken ship. Stupid me.”

He really had to stop being sent on these wasteful Earth missions. One more dose of Kenny would probably be the end of him.

_-Fifth Problem-_

_26 Cycles_

_Sensitivity Training_

He probably shouldn’t have made that comment about Bradley.

In his defense, what even was the power of mint and berries supposed to be.

He’d completely forgotten how influential Bradley’s dad was and now here he was, actually _stuck_ on the planet called Earth.

They weren’t going to come pick him up for a full year.

In the meantime he had to, their words not his, protect the people of Earth and learn the importance of friendship!

They said they were going to place him somewhere random. Of course they’d used his ship to make the calculations. His broken and dumb ship.

The words **Denver** glared down at him from a sign beside an empty highway. Kyle sighed and tugged at the costume he’d been assigned before taking flight. No point walking when he didn’t have to.

The gasps below were his only reminder that humans don’t actually fly. What weirdos. That’s fine though. He’s here to save humans, he should go find one in trouble. Maybe they’d pick him up early for good behavior.

Smoke billowed a few blocks south of him and Kyle considered this a stroke of luck. Windy powers were good at dealing with fires. He had this in the bag.

The guilt set in immediately when he saw the panic around the burning building. An apartment building that had seen better days with people still inside.

Hesitation gripped him momentarily but the emergency workers below showed none of his confusion, rushing into the building fearlessly decked head to toe in protective gear.

Without another moment spared, Kyle rushed past the windows, eyes searching for any victims still trapped inside. He’d just about given up when he caught movement in the fourth story window that wasn’t fire. Lasering his way inside he burst through the window see a woman slumped and struggling to breathe.

“I got you.” he’d just picked her up when one of the fireman came in through the door.

“What--who are you?”

Huh. There was something seriously familiar about the voice behind that protective mask.

Kyle paid it little mind though. The earth woman would only survive so long without treatment.

“Don’t worry, human citizen.” even Kyle flinched at how awkward he sounded, he hated the mandatory seminar they made him go through for this mission, “I am rescuing this woman!”

He was just about to fly out the window when a fresh ploom of flames erupted to the side of them, sending the rescue worker into a wall.

Kyle took in the situation.

“This sucks.” he decided, screwing the script, tossing the woman over his shoulder and picking up the surprised rescue worker with his freed arm. There was a surprised yelp and Kyle rolled his eyes before heaving them all out the window. Earthlings were so surprised by the small stuff.

“Holyshit, we’re flying.” his conscious passenger said breathlessly as they descended slowly.

By the time they touched down on the ground, the woman seemed to be breathing a bit better but no sooner had he placed her on the ground than she was surrounded by other rescue workers.

Kyle took in the scene and wondered why he was even sent here. The humans seemed to be doing just fine without intergalactic interference.

Kyle was just about to take off when the rescue worker from before, Kyle believed he was what the humans called a ‘firefighter’, tugged at the huge triangle attached to his back.

“What?” he winced at his tone, he was supposed to be cordial.

“Just wanted to thank you, it was a bit of a tight spot in there and I don’t know if I would’ve been able to get both her and myself to safety in time.”

“Yeah, yeah, sure. You’re welcome.” Kyle took the moment to digest the words, realizing his flippancy was rude, and adjusted accordingly, “Uh, I mean, it was just my job?”

The man laughed and in one movement, removed his protective mask.

Kyle’s breath caught.

“Still. Thanks.” Kenny grinned, “Do I get to know my rescuers name?”

Shit. Right. He was in disguise. Shit. Why would Kenny recognize him? Uh, shit, what had the shoobs upstairs assigned him as a pseudonym? Shit.

“I’m Human Kite.” he swallowed, “Definitely a human.” he added, for emphasis.

Kenny’s smile didn’t seem at all affected by that and he gave Kyle a shoulder pat, “Nice to meet’cha. I’m Ke--”

“McCormick! Get your ass over here!” a voice called from near the red trucks, Kyle was now abundantly aware that there was still fire to be dealt with.

Right.

“Gotta go!” Kenny said quickly before winking, “My _hero_.”

By the time he’d rushed off to return to his work, Kyle just about remembered how breathing was supposed to go.

Yes. Yes. He was. Human Kite.

Not weird alien Kyle that kept kidnapping Kenny because of a broken ship.

Totally human.

He gulped.

This was going to be a really stupid year.

**Author's Note:**

> Paisely accurately predicted exactly how Kenny's pov was:  
> [He was probably running through that field to get home, tripping over manure, muttering to himself as he passed sleepy bovine “yeah, I like cows. Like cows more than you, you gorgeous jackass, cows are chill”]


End file.
